the blur
Sep. 1st, 2026 03:53 pmI came home from work on Tuesday evening, took a shower, and immediately went to sleep without even drying my hair much.
I woke up around 2am and am gonna back to bed around 5am.
I am really frustrated with how sleepy and tired I am. Also, it's the time of the school year where - since I did some advance planning - I am not drowning in work backlog yet.
This makes it so I want to be creative, but after finishing with the posting of my last fic earlier this year, I just kind of don't feel a lot of motivation to keep going. When I wrote the Death Note fic, I had this whole series planned in mind, but I knew that it would be better to write a chapter fic that could stand alone or could spring into something else. And sure enough, writing all of it in advance made it so that by the end of posting, I wasn't as emotionally invested in it anymore. Having a more "professional" attitude toward fanwork seems to take a lot of the joy and dopamine out of it.
Even though I received a steady and healthy amount of feedback for that fic, I just kind of haven't felt like I knew what I wanted to do next since. Every now and then I feel the tiniest spark of a motivation to do something creative, but it never crystalizes into anything real. That's not to say that I'm not enjoying some fandom and private RP stuff, but I guess I just feel like my whole footprint as a person has shrunk down again.
I feel like a slug who's been salted, but it doesn't actually hurt that badly. Like, depression but not in the active sadness sense, I guess. It just feels weird to want private and personal time but to have no energy or motivation to do anything with it. I know I could tidy my apartment more, even though it's currently pretty livable, just needs some sprucing, but I have that resistance to only WORKING all the time.
Even being online lately, I don't have the same routine of websites or information to check. I am trying to be more active here since I know real people are around as users, but beyond that ????????
There's this lady named Taylor Black (not the first one that pops up if you search online) who's a pretty brunette influencer type whose primary posts seem to be reading and reacting to comments sections of other people's tiktoks/shortform videos. I have been enjoying her energy a lot, though. Parasociality seems to have a certain allure given my energy level, but then I feel sad that I don't really talk about anything of substance, even with the friends I do speak to every day.
Frustrated by how little of an effort my own father makes to talk to me regularly. I ask to, but then he doesn't meet me halfway or calls once a month when I'm asleep. We used to be SUPER close, and I know he loves me, but it still just feels like that social atrophy thing.









